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Category:Medical Jokes - Author:- Contributor:

Medical Charts

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

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Picture of the Week

To My Friend... - Contributor:

Joke of the Week

Brooms & Carrotsticks - Contributor:

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
"This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die." Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
"Don't worry." said the man issuing them out. "I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said "Bangity bangity bang!" and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were "Tankity tankity tank."